i’m ready for the spring. this season has brought nothing for years except pain, regret, confusion - i hate expecting a cold wind every time i open the door. if november, december, and january were permanently eradicated from the calendar, i think my brain would have more peace. however, in this momentary lapse of joy - i cling to Christ. now, the added misery of seeing my grandmother tremor in the hospital. i am tired and sick. Jesus, please come soon.
dear Lord,
quench all desires within me to justify myself and cling to my own righteousness. Jesus, clean my mind. Satisfy all longings I have and destroy all impurity within me. I pray this knowing that the process of sanctification will be painful, but God i’m done with living for myself and the life i hate - so, i lay it all down before you. crucify my flesh. crucify the world to me. i need nothing.
deliver my family from pain and destruction. be with them. help me, though i am nothing, and frail, and selfish, help me to love them.
——
in other news, mewithoutYou’s Brother, Sister is about the only thing my car’s finicky cd player will play - and i don’t doubt there’s a reason for that.
—
so i scattered some oats in hope she’d stay
then sat still to stop from scaring her away
but she hurried on her little way,
scurried around my mind ever since, every day
open wide, my door, my Lord, my Lord.
open wide, my door, to whatever makes me love you more.
open wide, my door, while there’s still light to run towards -
open wide, my door.
like water on the drywood
equal parts misguided and misunderstood
but all the neighborhood
watched the fire burn from where they stood
as the smoke said,
“We’re not half as bad as God is good.”
still there’s a whisper in my ear,
the voice of loneliness and fear
& i say, “Devil, disappear!”
i’m still technically a virgin after twenty-seven years,
which never bothered me before,
what’s maybe fifty more?
she came back for the oat,
but she brought along a “friend”
…it never ends, it never ends.
the harder the rain
the lower those flowers in the garden bend.
it never ends, it never ends
I’D RATHER NEVER TALK AGAIN
THAN CONTINUE TO PRETEND
this never ends
it never ends, it never ends, it never ends, it never ends
